Slowly…it’s making sense.

I can be told by the most experienced individual that I am talented, confident, and strong but it is the lonely times where the walls close in, the silence shakes my soul, and….I forget.

I could be told that I am loved forever no matter what and still deep down believe something will change.

It’s not that people don’t hurt us. Or that they go against their word. It’s that when our circumstances build to the point of the Wall of Jericho that we let one grievance ruin the foundation that is in our willingness to believe what people have reassured us of.

Doubt. It crushes even the strongest of believers when we pay favor to the slithering lies that sneak in our soul. I can believe whole-hardheartedly that Jesus has my best interest in mind and that He cares more for me more than I will ever be able to comprehend, but like most assurances of love, I simply stuff it behind me as if even the best offering won’t suffice. The humbling realization of this all is that I have become a snob. A snob of my own preference and judgement. I have been given the best love in the world yet I STILL search as if I haven’t found it. Why is that?! Why won’t I ever be satisfied?

Sadly, it’s so simply. Because I don’t believe it exists. Because I forget.

“God, I believe you are great and all but the kind of love I want is something physical and so tangible that I can’t deny it’s existence.” I think this grieves God’s heart. He died for me (yes, cue the Sunday School songs). We have seen those words, typed, written, preached, drawn and yet we don’t understand. The God of the Universe, the most perfect being that has ever been and ever will be, gave up His LIFE so that a proud, snobby, selfish, and arrogant girl could stare Him in the face and demand for more proof. That somehow He needs to prove more so that I realize. MORE PROOF?! What is wrong with me?! Imagine your father or mother taking a bullet for you, giving up everything they had so you could live. Now take that image and also imagine a child who looks at that and says, “Nope, that wasn’t enough. I need something more.”

What is wrong with this picture?! We have become de-sensitized to what Jesus actually did. He laid down His life, was nailed to a piece of wood practically naked for those of us who say what a joke He was. Now many could read this and think that Jesus was never God but just a good person. “How do you know He was God? It was thousands of years ago!” I’ve been asked many times of how I know God exists. My answer is based on years and years of His work in not only my life but in our world that have proved over and over again that He is King. That a heart surrendered to Him is able to inherit all of the goodness, wisdom, and discernment He has to offer. The Lord reveals Himself, but it is your heart and soul that must first go to Him and believe before you are able to see His goodness in your life; to link the book to the author.

There really is no other way to put it except that its sick. What is our humanity? This pride that first was a curious child turned into a back-turning, self-righteous, and doubting heart gave up her first love. I gave up my Abba Father, the one we call Daddy, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, because my humanness declared that it was god over all.

I can say clearly now that the hardest times of my life changed me forever. They made me a deeper, stronger, and real person. But friends, although I didn’t initially wish for it, I experienced some heart-wrenching times in the past years that convinced me to doubt that very statement I just proclaimed. But through those times, I was being cleaned, challenged, broken down, and molded into a woman who can stand by her conviction and live a life with a guilt-free and unashamed conscience. I needed to question God and doubt Him because that lead me to be able to believe without reservation that He is who He said He is.

It’s these troubles prove that I’m alive. I was skyping with my friend last year and she gave me some truth that stuck: “We can’t go through life and not expect to have pain. If we did, we would just be standing still.” In order to move forward, we have to be okay knowing that we could hit the sharp corners, we might fall and scratch our legs, but we will be stronger, happier, healthier, and have no regrets. Don’t let slight scratches disguise themselves as death. If we do we will take away our truest potential.

He watches us take our lives sometime into the complete unknown and even full out rebellion yet He graciously welcomes us home. He calls us to either strive after a life that ends with us in heaven with Him or to live like He never existed at all.

I find this concept fascinating. I found our current world horrifying.

We imagine a nice world. A world where there are no cuts, bruises, or edges to damage the picture we have created. If there is any clear cut thing I have realized, it is so much harder to trust God when I have left my structure and distraction. Oh, how broken is our world when we are forced to see it! Where is God when bad things happen? Friends, He is waiting to be invited in. Waiting for us to accept His wisdom, truth and healing. If you look at our world, is the first thing we see a reliance on God? No. If you don’t want God in every part of your life, He won’t go where He isn’t invited.

I love our Father. He doesn’t spoil us with earthly material goods or comforts. He doesn’t always say yes when we ask for something. But He allows us to make choices. We have the freedom to make mistakes. We have the assurance He is always there. But isn’t it only humanly fair that we devote the same measure of love and faithfulness back if we truly want Him to transform our lives? We do the same for our relationships. How is this different? If anything, it’s crucial.

I leave you today with this: what choice will you make? How will you live your life? Who do you live for? And how is that working out for you? May we always strive to be REAL. BROKEN. SEEKING. HOPEFUL. And know that our whole heart lies in the hands of the One who is nothing but good.

For all good comes from above.

Until next time.

Every bit of my love to you readers.




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