Heyyooo peeps of the internet and beyond.
I’ve been officially moved back to my hometown for almost 8 months despite my original plans to be gone by the end of summer. Hahahaha the Queen of Good Intentions and her wild ideas. My stubborn oh-so-independent self refused to humor even the possibility of staying home and even denied jobs to force myself to leave. Surprise! I’m still here. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy and life just kicks us in the face.
Sometimes your car dies.
Sometimes your family hits hard times.
Sometimes you’re broke.
Sometimes you have no idea what the heck this period of life is supposed to look like.
Sometimes you’re in….. limbo.
If any of you come from a small town, you know that returning home after years of being away gives every adult who knew you as a baby full permission to dig into your life plans and give you unlimited advice. My favorite moment since returning home is when one of our longtime friends congratulated me on my graduation……FROM HIGH SCHOOL. The reminder that my face hasn’t changed since 8th grade follows me like the plague. But I guess looking forward to being smokin hot at age 50 is my own burden to bear 😉
Now before I sound like a arrogant snot I want to say I am truly grateful for all of the advice and kind questions that family friends (or complete strangers) have given. Small bits of wisdom and guidance are ALWAYS appreciated. But I started to see a theme in many of these conversations and they usually went a little something like this:
“Oh, you’re just in limbo. This is a tough season of life; always being here and there and in-between. This will pass.”
Apparently this is supposedly a comforting term that falls on those who are twenty-something and currently unmarried and without health insurance. Aye what a feat. I prefer living on the edge I guess……
But lets be real, who ISN’T engaged right now? If you are outside the Christian college bubble, everyone always points out: “It’s okay. You’re young. You’ve got time.” But if you are in it, you get offered a year subscription to e-Harmony because apparently you lack the must-have of holy companionship (this was a true story for one of my friends).
It really stinks waiting for the perfect guy to show up, doesn’t it? You know, because can life even go on if that doesn’t happen? I hope you can hear the slight sarcasm in my writing. What a shame it would be if I planned my whole life to be married to someone when in fact it might never happen? Before everyone freaks out that I have predestined myself to be a dog breeding loner, let me be real here: relationships are not owed to us. We are NOT guaranteed marriage. Marriage is not my end-all-be-all. I believed that for so long and placed so much attention and worth around that dream that when I got to college I had a pretty fast wake up call. I won’t lie and say that the thought of it still creeps in the back of my brain and fuels the hope of it still to happen. I also don’t oppose marriage one bit. But I don’t want it to be my end goal or what I look forward to in life. In fact, it concerns me greatly when that’s all what people want. My mom recently looked at me from across the table and asked: “Are you just afraid no one is ever going to love you?”
No, I’m not.
I’m afraid of not using my gifts to their truest potential. I’m afraid of missed opportunity. I’m afraid of living without purpose. I’m petrified of failure. I’m afraid of succeeding and falling hard. I’m angry that we care more about being the majority in social issues than actively helping people that they affect. I’m frustrated by so many words offered to me but quite a large absence of loving action actually given. I’m brokenhearted that so many people I see and interact with are searching for love and truth in any place but Jesus. These are just a few examples that are ten times more terrifying than not getting married. Here’s another piece of hard truth: We all end up in the ground.
Lol Sarah, way to warn the readers.
Really though. Some of us get 90 years while others get 5. I’ve stood at the graves of friends and family and looked up to heaven and asked: “When is my time here gone?” There is no greater perspective change than to lose a teenager or child to accident or death and wonder why they couldn’t live a full life on this earth.
Coming back to my roots, it’s been a humbling reminder of who I truly am. It’s so easy to go from high school to college and completely change based on the stimulation of new people and a new social norms we find ourselves immersed in. Although I consider myself a pretty steel-willed person now, I am shaking in my boots with insecurities. It’s easy to pretend you don’t have hang-ups or grudges when you move away, but your problems don’t leave. At some point, you have to come home to face them. Being in “limbo” has taught some of the most valuable life lessons. You make do with the little money you have. You cherish something as simple as a night alone or a movie with a friend or family member. You enjoy walks outside again. You read because you can, not because you are forced. You walk with your head high regardless of how you feel. Most importantly, it taught me that we can never compare our current journey to anyone else. My first days home consisted of countless engagement and dream job posts, flowing with likes and comments of how proud everyone is of him/her. It was enough to make you feel like you were already 6 steps behind everyone else. This classic Queen of Good Intentions needs to step up her game. I had a professor that used to say: “Good intentions without action equals squat.” I was definitely lacking in action and it forced me to be more aggressive when thinking of where I want to be. But with action comes choices and that is where my frazzled personality goes crazy. I can worry myself sick over making the wrong choice. I fear that I won’t be able to find God’s will for my life.
“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.”
Friends, you don’t FIND God’s will, you TRUST it. Stop worrying about what decision you have to make tonight or tomorrow. We’ve been given the gift of free will, which means God does not drive us around in a robotic fashion. He cares that we use our gifts to bless the world, and trust and seek Him with an eternal perspective above all else. Use prayerful discernment, and start saying yes to trips, opportunities and job offers. That being said, God DOES call us into seasons of waiting. But we are not supposed to spend our life there. My dad always reminds me of the following: “A ship is safe in the harbor, but that’s not what a ship was built to do.” By God’s grace, we were meant to SAIL. But not to sail with our own agenda, but on a mission for His greater good.
So, as I sit here in limbo and wonder what on earth I am doing, He gives me an answer. Start saying yes. Say yes to that job even if you’re still uncertain. He goes before you. Say yes to forgiveness, for He has forgiven. Say yes to that opportunity no matter how vulnerable you feel for He will raise you up. May in your weakness you allow Him to be your perfect strength, for nothing done in the name of the Lord will ever be done in vain.
I firmly believe that Jesus doesn’t sit there and wait for us to become perfect little Christians who have finally earned His blessing. His blessing starts the moment you breathe in the sweet air of the day. His joy comes when we take the gift of what romances our soul and hold it dear. Fulfillment comes when we invest our lives in the goodness and dreams of others.
You see friends, I’ve grown rather fond of limbo. For here I see I am so unqualified, so imperfect and anxious, yet the pressure is completely taken off my shoulders to perform. On the outside, I don’t have much accomplishment to write or post about, but I am as content and joyful as can be. For in this simple time, I have been able to grasp the simple Gospel, which is grace. In this grace we see love, and in HIS love we see everything else.
I’m taking life day by day. Because all I am guaranteed on this earth is my last breath. So instead of making ourselves miserable with comparison of where we think we should be, let’s celebrate where we are and see every step as a milestone. Enjoy the gifts He’s given you and love those friendships you can’t get enough of. For good faith and friendship are the stepping stones to success and will last much longer than any earthly trophy.
To all y’all in limbo, I salute you. Let’s take this time and run with it<3
All my love,